Jokes ...a little naughty. Not to be viewed by under 16's yo

[trooper bogaert]

where do you get them from cheers malcolm

[tonkatojo]

Just a bit of humour.

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[dandc1]

two chavs on holiday in benidorm,its late afternoon by the time wane and tracy arrive,tracy says i cant wait to get my bikini on wane says yer i bet you look nice in it,tracy comes out the bathroom crying her eyes out saying i forgot to do my bikini line and my bush is everywhere,wane says never mind pet ill shave it for you,after a few tries wane relises the razor is too blunt,by this time tracy is crying her heart out,wane says thats ok pet ill singe them off,so he pours lighter fuel on her muff and sets it alight,the flames were shooting everywhere wane and tracy were trying to beat the flames out,in desperation tracy jumped off the balcony into the pool,two old blokes having a quiet poolside drink,bert says,i think i just saw a shooting star land in the pool,jim said no that was a twatalight.

[dandc1]

two blondes went duck hunting,one says weve been here all day and havent caught a thing,the otherone said i dont think were throwing the dog high enough.

[ianreid527]

Talking about Ducks. Daffy Duck was on a dirty weekend, and calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom. The receptionist asks "shall I put it on your bill?" He replies " Dont be Thucking thtupid I'd thufficate!".

[ianreid527]

LITTLE BRUCE.
Mohammed entered his classroom. "what is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" answered the kid. "here we are in Australia and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher. In the evening, Mohammed returned home, "how was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents,your heritage, your religion?" Shame on you." and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. Next day Mohammed. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" He replied "Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f**king Arabs!..."

[dandc1]

have you tried the rodeo position for sex?,the woman gets down on all fours then the man takes her from behind,then you reach around and take a breast in each hand,then say,"mmmm" these feel just like your sisters,then see how long you can stay on.

[dandc1]

Q. why is the space beetween a womans breasts and her hips called a waist . A,because you could easily fit another pair of tits in.

[tonkatojo]

A red indian boy goes to his mother with a puzzled look on his face and asks " why is my big brother named Mighty Storm " because he was conceived in a mighty storm she said, then he asks " why is my sister called Cornflower " well your father and me were in a cornflower field when we made her, he then said why is my other little sister called Moon Child, we were watching the moon landings when she was conceived. The mother paused and said to her son " Tell me Torn Rubber why are you so curious ".

[tonkatojo]

MALCOLM a ventriloquist was touring the clubs and stops at a BERWICK.

He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blond" jokes, when a well dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blond jokes, you BASTARD! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a persons hair colour possibly have on their fundamental worth as a human being"

"Its morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blonds, but women in general for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens... you should hang your head in shame you pusillanimous little magot"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blond yells;

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little squirt on your knee"!!!!!

[trooper bogaert]

he would' nt survive the woman in berwick John.......probably do better north of the border!!!!!cheers malcolm PS battned down for the storm again.....

[tonkatojo]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995 between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD …..

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

US NAVY: This is the Captain, I say again, divert YOUR course

BRITISH: I repeat, negative, divert your course

US NAVY: This is the Captain of the aircraft carrier, USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet, we are
accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course
15 degrees North, that’s 15 degrees North, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of our convoy

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse – F***k off ( Barra Head I think )

[dandc1]

two nuns taking a short cut through the park get set upon by two nasty men,one nun hears the other praying,farther forgive them for they know not what they do; the other nun shouts wahooooo,this fu*ker does.

[tonkatojo]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and end up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date(couldn't get a hard on).
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"

[dandc1]

johnny came home early from school and cought his mam getting out of the bath,johnny looked in amazment and said mam whats that,his mam not wanting to embarras him said its ok son its where your dad hit me with the axe.johnny said,god what a shot,right in the fanny.

[tonkatojo]

A festive one.


he laid her on the table
so white and clean and bare,
his forehead wet with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here and there,
he felt her neck and her breast
then drooling felt her thigh
the slit was wet and all was set
he gave a joyous cry,
the hole was wide
he looked inside
all was dark and murcky
he rubbed his hands and stretched his arms






then he stuffed the turkey

[trooper bogaert]

where the hell do you get them from! cheers malcolm

[dandc1]

i thought i was being considerate when i sugested to my wife that we had a threesome. at least then she will hav someone to talk to when i,ve yawned,farted,and rolled over.

[dandc1]

three blondes are passing the time in a bar,they are discussing who is the slackest,first blonde,my boyfriend can get his hole fist in,2nd blonde,thats nothing my boyfriend can get his head in,the 3rd blonde looks at them and says,oops there goes the stool.

[dandc1]

whats the difference beetween oral sex and anal sex. one makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

[dandc1]

an old lady is in the lift in a posh department store,lovely young girl gets in reeking of perfume,looks the old woman up and down and says,ralph lauren £100 a bottle,next floor anoter young girl gets in smelling to high heven,she looks at the old woman and says,channell no5 £150 a bottle, the old woman gets out of the lift turns and looks at the models,bent over farted and said,brussel sprouts 25p a lb.

[dandc1]

albert was a lonley chap so he decided he needed a pet,after some disscussion with the petshop owner albert decided on a centerpede,it came in its own little box so albert took it home and named him claude.after a while albert thought he would treat claude,so he tapped on the box and said claude do you fancy comming down to the pub for a pint,no answer,a bit latter albert taps again and asks if he wants a pint,a bit latter albert is getting pissed off now and shouts do you want a pint or not,a little voice comes from the box,i heard you the first give me a chance to get my fucking shoes on.

[dandc1]

the seven dwarfs went to meet the pope,dopey was at the the front and the others were shouting ,go on ask him,dopey was a bit shy but said sir, are there any nuns in alaska,the pope said yes,the dwarfs were still shouting go on ask him,dopey said,sir arethere any midget nuns in alaska,the pope said no i dont think so,the other six were rolling around chanting,dopey fucked a penguin,dopey fucked a penguin.

[johnboy]

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Englishman are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years
is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Englishman who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
'What's wrong?' says Jesus.
The Englishman shouts, 'F**k off, I'm on disability benefit!'

[tonkatojo]

A man was in an Adult shop looking to buy a blow up doll.

The assistant asked what type doll would he like - Man or Woman?

A Woman, he replied.

Next he was asked Black or White?

White please.

Muslim or Christian?

Why do you ask that - whats the difference?

Well the muslim one blows itself up.
__________________

[dandc1]

scientists have at last came up with a name for the horible fatty tissue that surounds the clitoris,its called THE WIFE.

[tonkatojo]

A summer morning i was sitting on the deck chair beer in hand the wife cutting the grass, i shouted to her, oi get me another beer she in turn stopped cutting the grass and went to the fridge, my next door neighbour's wife looked over the fence and said to me



"you should be bloody well hung for that"


I replied "I am why do think she does as shes told".
____

[trooper bogaert]

John I dont know where you get them from....congratulations to our very Sandy Lowrie who has started work again...hasnt somebody told him its nearly time for retiring and taking it easy....cold and damp here again....cheers malcolm

[dandc1]

"silver wedding aniversary"bed time and the wife was slowly undressing,she asked her husband what he was thinking 25 years ago,he said i was thinking i would shag your brains out and suck your tits dry,she said what are you thinking now,he said i am thinking i did a pretty good job,

[dandc1]

paddy went down to the pub to brag to mick,he said mick my luck has changed i am shagging twins,mick said how do you tell them apart,paddy said easy,julies got long blonde hair and bobs got a tash,

[dandc1]

i was in the pub last night sitting opposite a nice blonde,all of a sudden she sneezed,her glass eye shot out across the table,being a gentelman i caught it and handed it back without making a fuss,she insisted on buying me a drink.at the end of the night she took me home for coffee,after that she took me to bed and shagged me all night long.in the morning i asked if she done that for every man she met,she said no,only the ones that catch my eye.

[dandc1]

how does a welsman find a sheep in long grass,fucking irresistable.

[dandc1]

a pakki was riding around the pub carpark on a donkey,a man shouted nice donkey what sex is it,he said female, man shouted back how do you know,oh thats easy about 20 people have shouted,look at the smelly cunt on that donkey.

[dandc1]

SEX EDUCATION< teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class if anyone knew what it was,johnnys hand went up like a flash,MISS MISS,my dads got two of those,teacher said immpossable explainn yourself,johnny said he has a small one he wees with and a big one for cleaning the baby sitters teeth.

[trooper bogaert]

where do get them from!cheers malcolm

[trooper bogaert]

last week I was heading up north to John Littles in Caithness and decided to take a break in Dornoch...I stopped on a double yellow line to ask for directions when I was booked with a parking ticket....I immediatly got out of the car to give the litle shit a slap when I was arrested and taken before the Sheriff at Dornoch Court.....how do you plead he said in his upper class english accent...and before I coulld answer he said £75.00..next case...well I can tell you I was a bit shocked at this...and before I could get out the next case was called...Local Vicar had been caught shagging 9 choirboys...how do you plead said the Sheriff...Not Guilty said the Vicar...Case Dismissed said the Sheriff... well I can tell you I was shocked...so I shouted to him...I get £75.00. for parking on a double yellow line and he shags the choir boys and gets off....Shut Up said the Sheriff Ive heard that Choir and they need fucked!....well I thought it was funny....malcolm

[dandc1]

had a woman at the door this morning asking if i had any clothes for the starving africans,told her to fuck off,if my clothes fit the africans they aint starving,

[dandc1]

a man went to the chiropodist pulled his zip down and whipped out his dick,she said thats not a foot,he said no, but its a good ten inches.

[dandc1]

mad mary was whizzing around the nut house in a wheelchair on the first corner was loopy leny,leny said halt show me your driving licence,at the second corner was crazy carl he stopped mary and said insurance,mary went hell for leather down the coridoor at the bottom stood donky dave with an 8 inch hard on,mary said oh no not the fucking breathaliser again.

[trooper bogaert]

Dave I thinks there only thee and me left old son...was speaking to Jock Turner KOSB yesterday he sends his regards....he was still on about the great grub we had at Trron....reminds me can you rember Pte.Pirey from Montrose...he was the only boy in the ACC...cheers malcolm

[dandc1]

wane and dwane the local gays had been hard at it all night wane said i am going out to get some milk,now no sly wanking while i am gone.when he came back the bed,the walls and floor were covered in cum,wane said i told you no wanking,dwane said i havent i farted.

[dandc1]

a man came home from the tattoo parlour with "i love you" on his dick,his wife said,there you go, putting words in my mouth again.

[dandc1]

my mate went to the doctors last night,said he was dead embarresed,the doctor was a 28 year old blonde,built like a super model,she told him to sit down and relax,the doctor said dont worry i have seen it all before in the hospital,i am here to help in any way i can just tell me whats wrong, my mate said,i think my cock tastes funny.

[dandc1]

due to the sad state of my love life i have converted to islam,i also changed my name to SELDOM BIN LAID.

[dandc1]

came home late from work the other night,the mssuss had been drinking again,i found her stuck beetween the bed and chest of drawers her knickers were around her ankles her dress was over her head, her big bare arse and other bits were on show,and to top it all she was fast asleep,well i could not miss an opertunity like that,i went down to the pub for a pint.

[dandc1]

what do you call a blackman whos just lost 30 stone, lenny henry.

[dandc1]

whats the greek armys motto, never leave your buddys behind.

[dandc1]

i had to have a blood transfusion the other day,but all they had left was 2 pints of african blood and 2 pints of asian blood.the good news is i now have a 12 inch dick and i am top of the housing list.

[dandc1]

in my younger days young boys would enter the priesthood,,,now its the other way round.

[dandc1]

paddy the intrepid explorer returned from darkest africa,he had discovered a cock sucking frog so he took one home for his wife,she said what am i supposed to do with that,paddy said teach it to cook and fuck off.